saturday.
 
"hi sir would you like to buy a donation draw ticket for charity? only 5 dollars, the draw's next thursday, you could win up to $500,000! imagine that! please? help these needy children, look how sad they are!"
the girl shoved the plastic folder filled with pictures of woebegone, filthy, scrawny kids under his nose, trying hard to induce that familiar feeling of guilt. he smiled nervously, and neatly sidestepped the girl. continued on his walk.
god knew he was tormented enough without prodding from the rest of society. why couldn't they smell the agony from a mile away, so they could glance away in respect when he approached, and take care not to burden him further? it was bad enough when he was alone, isolated at home. out now in the open, naked to the sneering, selfish crowds, he couldn't help but feel resentful.

look at them. look at these happy throngs of people, holding hands, smiling, cheerful.

watch them stroll along, aware of nothing but the here and now, endorphins cruising through their blood. life is blissful, at least right now.

gaze at them with a knowing look, jaded. knowing that one day all this would come to an end. one day, that girl will make you wish you'd never been born, the pain is such. that friend will break you, shatter that core exposed. that love, not lost suddenly but waning day by day, every day drifting further and further with you helpless in a corner, unable to reverse it. knowing it all, and pitying them for the pain that inevitably approaches.

wonder if it is better to be in this position, or theirs. to experience the myriad of emotions, from dizzying highs to hopeless anxiety to choking, heart-wrenching pain. or to insulate yourself from it all.

 
-when you put it like that, the decision seems so much clearer, doesn't it-

 
he retraced his steps.
found the same girl. noticed that she had lovely eyes.
"hi here's 5 bucks, let's see if i get lucky. would you like to have dinner after this?"