hm guess i have some kind of death wish.. keep landing in situations where there's a fine line between joy and grief. take drinking. adore the happy high, but a little over that edge and i dive headfirst into a dizzy, gasping fit that scares the heck out of my friends (terribly sorry to all who've had to suffer that). but i don't wanna give up pursuing that lovely feeling, even if it means having to go through the horror of it again (and again) till i find the exact location of that line and how not to overstep it

went to holland village for the 1st time on mon (yes, you can stop the mountain-turtle jokes already), the place is brilliant! tucked away in a quiet housing estate but it couldn't be more different from its humble surroundings.. cheery pubs and cafes barely 100m from sleeping residents. dinner at spizza was great, paper-thin dough with a surprisingly tasty combi of lovely salmon and raw(!) spinach. and the highlight of the day? a margherita at el patio, served in a quaint jam jar. let's just say i've found something that induces that stupidly-happy grin on my face once again, not to mention that happy buzz in the head that can only come with abusing your liver. sat there concocting sinful theories abt rships with lc, and pondering abt how we were gonna be sent way down south.. so, great atmosphere, great food, great drinks and great company. can't wait for the next time =)

margherita, anyone?

saturday.
 
"hi sir would you like to buy a donation draw ticket for charity? only 5 dollars, the draw's next thursday, you could win up to $500,000! imagine that! please? help these needy children, look how sad they are!"
the girl shoved the plastic folder filled with pictures of woebegone, filthy, scrawny kids under his nose, trying hard to induce that familiar feeling of guilt. he smiled nervously, and neatly sidestepped the girl. continued on his walk.
god knew he was tormented enough without prodding from the rest of society. why couldn't they smell the agony from a mile away, so they could glance away in respect when he approached, and take care not to burden him further? it was bad enough when he was alone, isolated at home. out now in the open, naked to the sneering, selfish crowds, he couldn't help but feel resentful.

look at them. look at these happy throngs of people, holding hands, smiling, cheerful.

watch them stroll along, aware of nothing but the here and now, endorphins cruising through their blood. life is blissful, at least right now.

gaze at them with a knowing look, jaded. knowing that one day all this would come to an end. one day, that girl will make you wish you'd never been born, the pain is such. that friend will break you, shatter that core exposed. that love, not lost suddenly but waning day by day, every day drifting further and further with you helpless in a corner, unable to reverse it. knowing it all, and pitying them for the pain that inevitably approaches.

wonder if it is better to be in this position, or theirs. to experience the myriad of emotions, from dizzying highs to hopeless anxiety to choking, heart-wrenching pain. or to insulate yourself from it all.

 
-when you put it like that, the decision seems so much clearer, doesn't it-

 
he retraced his steps.
found the same girl. noticed that she had lovely eyes.
"hi here's 5 bucks, let's see if i get lucky. would you like to have dinner after this?"
 

1 Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

biosci camp last wk was great! mainly due to the unbelievably onz grp i had.. zionites, you people are amazing =) esp the skit.. *shakes head* can't believe we got away with all that, should hv been censored or sth.. thx for all the sweet notes u all wrote, though i think it was kinda forced, asking people to write a card to you.. but anyway, i just wanna say that u all really did make the week brilliant and we couldn't hv had such a fun camp w/o such an enthu bunch. thx for hanging on in there even in the pouring rain, mind-numbing dull periods and teasing by the seniors. hope you all will stay in touch with each other, and do rem to call us seniors along for outings k? cheers!

bonjour.. reading this book titled "you shall know our velocity" by dave eggers. ok i admit, i borrowed it cos it has a lovely cover- raw cardboard with the beginning of the story engraved on it, and a black fabric spine with elegant white lettering. these are the kinds of books that the library absolutely defaces with its disgusting identification sticker, paying no heed at all to the physical texture and feel of a tribute to human communication. but i digress.

there's this line in the book, where the guy's talking about how he stores his thoughts in different corners of his mind: "i walk through my corridors and i open doors and now it's so hard to find a room unoccupied or not full of screaming clouds." i love that image, "screaming clouds". things of mist and vapour, so frail, so transient, and yet so powerful and affecting. not that i particularly empathise with his situation; don't think i've been subject to terribly compromising positions. just hope that i, or anyone i know for that matter, never get to that point. and if you find yourself stuck in that rut, feel free to whine to moi ok? not being nosy, just offering to help. who knows, someday i might need your help in rtn. till then, just trying to make everyone's time here a little less troubled